I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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