It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I intend to get homeless drunk
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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