she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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