he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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