not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
