He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
