Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
