He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
