do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
