I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
