Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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