There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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