I accidentally had phone sex last night
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
this beer tastes like vomit already
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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