looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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