Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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