If i come over, it means nothing
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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