He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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