I think my vagina is haunted
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
