I wish I could punch you in the face.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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