In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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