i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Randomize
