Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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