He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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