I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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