I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
