he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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