I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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