It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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