I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
