Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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