I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you will always have a special place in my vag
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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