my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
