His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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