My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
