Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
