We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
