Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
