I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
