why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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