dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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