I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
