So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
