Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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