how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
