he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got inside last night via doggy door
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
