I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
