i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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