My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
