you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
