They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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