did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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