I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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