There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
