It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
