WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
